My 10 Day Silent Meditation Retreat

As many of you know, I have just finished my 10 day silent Vipassana meditation retreat. “Vipassana is an ancient technique of meditation that gives us the tools to liberate ourselves from the misery that is created in our own minds and find blissful freedom. It is the technique the Buddha used to enlighten himself 2500 years ago in India and is non-sectarian, and totally universal.” The retreat was run based on the Buddhist practice of dana, where teachings are given freely, and students make donations out of gratitude.

This meditation practice is not to be taken lightly. So this means 10 days of no talking, no eye contact, no gestures, no reading, no writing, no cell phones, and worst yet, no yoga. It’s about what is left without that company, cell phone, glass of concord grape wine, or your Labrador Retriever. Vipassana is learning to love what remains when all that you love is gone. 

We meditated for 11 hours a day with great yummy vegetarian meals for breakfast and lunch, and fruit and tea for dinner. We were allowed to speak to the teacher for a few minutes each day if we had any questions regarding the technique. We were also allowed to walk outside during our meal breaks. [I often wondered what the people in the houses next to us thought as they watch this girl lose herself to the beauty of the cloud formations in the vast sky overhead. What must they think of this girl who is only let out at certain times of the day, who spends this time staring up at trees, juggling snow balls, making snow angels, and drawing pictures in the snow with a stick?]

On our first day we made a vow that we would abstain from alcohol and all drugs (including aspirin). We also promised not to harm a single living thing in keeping with the Buddhist (and yogic) principle of nonviolence, or ahimsa. So that bug I watched at night peacefully crawl its way up the wall by my bed has found a very fortunate home inside that retreat center. 

This retreat was one of the most mentally, physically, and emotionally challenging things I ever went through. It was also the most beneficial and insightful experience of my life.

Now that I am finally able to write or talk about it, I find that I can’t. Experiential understanding always trumps over intellectual understanding. Our intellectual minds are too small to understand what is there waiting for us once we get beyond our minds and our senses. There is no language for it either. All I can say is that one has to experience it for themselves to fully understand as my words certainly will not suffice. 

Before the retreat, I thought, ‘how hard could sitting in silence for 10 days be?’ Well let me tell you meditation is hard work. It is more than just clearing your mind and imagining you are walking on a white sandy beach in the Caribbean.

The foremost lay teacher of Vipassana Meditation S.N. Goenka.
Our class was run on recordings by him with the help of an assistant teacher

For the first 3 days the only thing we were to do was to concentrate on the area in and around the nostrils; being aware of any sensations as the breath passes its way in and out of the body. Simple, right? Well, instead of this I spent the first few days reliving much of my childhood, singing songs, and replaying scenarios. For 3 days I relived my failures, regrets, and past events that I didn’t really want to deal with again, but I knew that I needed to. I forgave myself and others along the way.

It was days of this, and it was days of listening to, ‘you are worthless, you can’t do anything, just give up and walk out that door.’ There it was again; the voice of my other self; that ego that always tries to tell me I’m too anxious or too powerless. It is that false illusion of self that is always accompanying me like a shadow. If I’m going to think this way I will behave this way. I didn’t come here to listen to and fulfill this ‘anxious, weak, worthless’ character that the ego is telling me that I am right now. I didn’t come here to continue being the victim of my thoughts and to live by my ego. I came here to learn how to live by my true nature; turning my ego from my enemy into my roommate. Our minds are there for us to USE, not to be USED by them. 

I failed again and again and again. I continued to pick myself back up over and over and over. It was a lot of inner battle, but I had faith in the technique. Through much determination and perseverance "I" eventually slipped out of the grasp of my controlling ego. That inner bliss and light were waiting for me there far below the shadows of my false identity. 

On the fourth day we expanded our area of focus from that of the nose to the whole body. The main teaching of Vipassana is to remain “equanimous” (treating everything equally due to the impermanent nature of all things).  By going within we observe the sensations (gross and subtle) from head to toe, observing our bodies in a constant state of change, just like the outside universe. Through the meditation, we are assigned to simply be the observer of these sensations. Just accept them as they are, without reacting. (no judgment, no attachment, no expectations no adversity, no desire, no craving, etc.)

The other beautiful women in my course

We see firsthand the pervasive pulls of craving and aversion and to find out what happens when we literally sit these things out. Not reacting to the immense pain I felt in my legs from sitting cross-legged 11 hours a day eventually helped me realize that much of this pain was not actually physical pain, but the pain I created in my head.

As time went on, I began to think less, and feel more of everything inside and out; pulsing, tingling, energy, vibration, etc. The only sound being that of my breath and my heartbeat. There were moments of complete and utter bliss, where I couldn’t even feel my body, mixed in with the struggle. At times I had to open my eyes just to make sure I was still grounded on the floor because I felt like I was flying.  How nice it felt naturally to get this high (without anyone, anything, or a mind altering chemical). However, it wasn’t all about the sensations, the epiphanies, or the trippy visualizations. It was about feeling so purposeful, alive, and empowered. I am not in this universe. I am the universe. There is an infinite light that connects us all.  There is a strong divine energy that flows through the hearts of every being; where eternal love, peace and happiness reside. This is not sectarian. This is life. This is universal. There is meaning, purpose, energy, force, and something too large for our intellectually minds to wrap our heads around. It can only be felt.

It was 10 days of reversing patterns of thinking. As the days went on, I learned more and more how to differentiate between living by my true self and living by my ego.  I am not these emotions or thoughts; I am the awareness behind them that transcends the ego. 

This retreat was about letting go, burning my ignorance, freeing the chains of delusion, removing identities, and overcoming obstacles. It was about breaking down the walls of my mind so that I could soar through to the depths of my infinite being. It was about finding support from something bigger than my own desires and aversions. It was about detaching from this false sense of self, and opening myself to a magnificent grace that lies within.

I know what I need to do to apply Vipassana to my everyday life; it means stop trying to control things that are beyond my control.  Stop worrying so much about something that hasn’t happened yet, or stressing out about something that has already happened. The truth resides in the present moment. It is about living the reality of the moment AS IT IS and not how we want it to be. Our journeys are one of constant transformation. In order to grow one must give up the struggle to remain the same, and learn to embrace change at all times. So when you have a nice enjoyable experience you don’t cling or become attached to. Likewise, with bad experiences, you do not avert them. It is accepting all outcomes be it good or bad. The strong flow of energy builds up inside our beings when our intellectual minds come in to play too much; by our reactions, cravings, aversions, desires, attachments, etc. 

The important thing is to ride this wave, because when you try to fight the current, things could get bumpy. When you go with the flow and force of the universe, the magic reveals itself, and everything falls into place around us. Just let things be how they are meant to be.  

Everything is in a constant state of change. The only constant in this ever so constantly changing world is the truth. I find the more I can embrace these truths, the easier my life becomes. It is not the object or the person that is creating my envy, jealousy, or happiness. It is me. Life is not perfect, nor is it meant to be; but when you stop trying to control or change these imperfections, then you can't help but see a world of perfection.

 Our thoughts influence our feelings. Our feelings influence our actions. And our actions influence our results; how we treat others and see the world around us. The more I go within myself, the more I want to live outside of myself. Your interests are linked with my interests. Your happiness is my happiness. The god that is in you is the same within me. We are all one.

Vipassana meditation is a very important tool that I can take wherever I go. All I need is my body and breath. All it takes is attention, intention, and some self-discipline of getting my ass out of bed every morning at 5:30 to practice.  Meditation and yoga help me better create the world around me; helping me to live more mindfully in the present moment so those moments of ‘losing myself to the magic of the world around me’ come more often. I’m on a path to achieve a more disciplined mind and compassionate heart.  I’m being led by that infinite wisdom within that clearly knows a lot more than “I” do.

I've searched awhile for something that promotes optimal living only to find that everything that I've been searching for is also the same thing I've been running from; Me.

Would I do this retreat again? Yes, absolutely in a heartbeat. 

I hope you have the chance to have a wonderful opportunity like this. It is the greatest gift you can give yourself. The greatest teacher you’ll ever know is in there waiting for you when you are ready….

Change your thoughts. Change your world. 

May the truth set you free.

Namaste.